A few weeks ago I posted about Spirit Day and how we need to stand as role models for our children to stomp out bullying. Just get the heck rid of it. Spirit Day is one day of the year when people across the nation can wear purple to show their support of youth and young adults who are tormented for who they are; gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender. Spirit Day also stands to stamp out bullying period, for whatever reason it is pressed upon a child. Last week marked Anti-Bullying Week, another attempt to bring bullying to the forefront of our news and leave it there. Were these two “occasions” successful? From where I sit I say no, sadly.
As a parent one of the more difficult things I have had to do is speak to my daughter’s school about a bully. At first it wasn’t so hard as it was, well, almost embarrassing. It’s not that I didn’t believe my daughter’s complaints, but she has a flair for the dramatic. So we had a visit, learned some information about the other child involved and put a plan into action. I checked in with my daughter often ( and the school ), we had long chats about feelings and reactions and we moved on. I assumed that our school was “on it” and took their word for it that this school year everything would be okay. I was wrong.
photo credit covenanthousebc.com
The year started off well and we were preoccupied with young William starting school and dealing with his Food Allergy issues. Things really seemed to be going well and then the dreaded “shuffle” of classes happened in late September. My Emily went from being housed with her grade to moving into a split class. Again. To my surprise the child from last year was in this class, despite the school’s assurances that they would take care of things. At Emily’s insistence we decided to let it ride for now, just see how things went. Never again.
Have you ever had an itch on the bottom of your foot when you have socks and shoes on? You know how it slowly starts to itch, annoy you a little and then eventually drive you mad until you rip your shoe and sock off in desperation to quell the itch? That is kind of how bullying works. The aggressor starts with subtle digs, maybe laughs them off, then comes back a little harder. This tormentor knows how to keep their words, their actions on the down low so that any authority figures around are not tipped off. This bully sometimes gets others to do their dirty work, even when the abettor is not entirely sure what they are participating in. Bullies are masters at making you undermine your own feelings, causing you to question if all the problems aren’t just really your fault. For example, what do you do when your child starts to question their appearance because someone suggested you are not pretty enough to be in the class picture? What if your child has the gumption to dress differently then the other kids, be an individual, be creative. How is she supposed to remain true to herself when she hears whispered insults from certain peers? How many times does a child need to hear “you’re too sensitive” before she stops showing concern for others? When do the eating disorders kick in: after the tenth or twentieth time another kid tells you “you eat too much”? How are you supposed to feel when your child gets singled out as the only girl to not be invited to a birthday party?
To the average person a bully seems to “look” the part. Maybe a little tough, rough around the edges and almost always a boy. Now I know that is just not the case. The first time I found out “our” bully was a girl I was shocked! A girl? You mean a peer who is struggling with the same coming of age stuff that my now ten year old is? How can that be right? The more I learned of this child the more insight I had into what she has had to deal with. We have taught our children to be empathetic to others and Emily displays this very well, but at what point do you say enough is enough? I know my patience is running very thin, so you can just imagine what Emily has to deal with. It breaks my heart.
I have been told that it is a life long learning lesson that we all have to deal with some form of bullying, whether you’re ten or forty, you can become someone’s victim. Yes, we all need to be tough and fight our own battles, but don’t we want our children to learn that fighting is not the answer? How can I look my child in the eye and tell her “you are on your own” with this little war? Don’t all soldiers have an army behind them? This experience is showing me just how strong my daughter is, even when it gets to be too much. I hope she knows she is not alone and that her parents are right there in the trenches with her.
So, a Spirit Day or an Anti-Bullying Week, both are fantastic, but they are seriously not enough. As I said to my daughter’s teacher, this can not just be a focus one week of the school year. It has to be every day. Children need to be reminded to respect one another and that they are never alone. Teens need to know that their feelings matter and they shouldn’t hide them away. We all need to support one another and set a good example to the next generation. Wish us luck….
FT&PD
Suz
What a great post. I was once told that three boys holding down my son while a fourth kicked snow in his face was NOT bullying. “That’s a bit of a strong word”… Yikes… We too had to have a ‘discussion’ on what bullying means in all its forms.
Thank you Margarita. The definition of bullying is getting bigger each day and it is heartbreaking 🙁 Hugs to you and your son <3
Suz
Wow. I tweeted this out. Great post. Brave post!
Thank you so much Kyla. My daughter is the brave one <3
Suz
Wow! Suzanne, that is awful! It makes me want to go to the school……and talk nicely to the little bully? No! Not on your life! What the heck is wrong with that child? I thought she was moved to the school because she was bullied at her old school? Maybe they lied to you? How does a kid go from being bullied to being a bully? Send a printed copy of this blog entry to the Principal AND the Superintendent of your school. This blog reminds me of an old saying…”It is easier to fight for your principles then to live up to them!” Like the school system, “It is easier to have an anti-bullying week, than to insure there is no bullying for the whole school term.”
Gem it is very hard to not march right up to the little bully and give her a piece of my mind. Our teacher this term, while totally unaware of the goings on last year, is very supportive and grateful I shared this with her. We are working to bring this to the school every day, not just for one week. Wish us luck! Love you,
Suz
It is so hard to watch someone you love deal with bullying. I am disappointed that the school didn’t take the issue more seriously when they did the classroom shuffle. I hope that you are able to get the issue resolved and that we can all spread the message of respect and acceptance
Thank you Katie, they have continually let us down in this situation, but we are not giving up!
Suz
Wow. I dealt with my eldest being bullied all three years he was in middle school. I was at that school at least once a week. They knew who to go get the minute I walked in. We tried everything,. It finally took me threatening to go to our lawmakers in the Florida capital and to the news media. We were finally assured if the kid did it again he was out of the school and back to his home area school. This was a magnet program where kids are pulled from all over the county. This should have been a solution offered well before it was. By that time they did offer it the damage was done. Even though we took our son to intensive therapy to deal with this he still bears the scars to this day. There are still sometimes he will spiral down into the feelings that were caused back then. He was once pushed to the ground and repeatedly stomped in the face because they were after a kid with the same name and mistook him. What did the school do? They broke it up and put my son on the bus and sent him home. They never had him checked out to make sure he was okay nor did they call me and let me know what happened. Bullying is a very very serious issue that can do damage for years to come. You are right it cant be one or two weeks. It needs to be every day all day.
Thank you for sharing your story Karen. My heart aches for your son and for what it must have been like for you to see this. I will not be letting this go, they can count on it. My husband and I are our children’s advocates in life!
Suz
Suz,
We were my sons advocates too. We went up the ladder at the school as well as the school board. It was always that they were meeting with the parents, who could have cared less, and were probably the reason the kid was the way he was. Everything was hurry up an wait for them to call you back, which they didn’t, causing you to have to call them again. Then it was let me check with this person or that and get back to you, which they wouldn’t and you would have to call again. Just trying to give you a heads up on how they play the game. No one wants to be responsible. They are so paralyzed by fear that the bullies parents are going to sue them if they take a stand and actually discipline the kid by either, suspending or expulsion (which should have been done in my son’s case) that they just put a band-aid on it and pray you and it goes away. One thing I learned is not to believe them and to keep checking every day with my son. If it continues move up the ladder quickly and warn them of what your next step will be should this get ignored. Third don’t be afraid to go to the media and your govt over the problem. I had a letter written to our governor and to our news stations that I read to the schools principal. It wasn’t until I sat there and read them to him that any real change took place. I feel for you Suz. I really do. My heart hurts for you and your child. I pray that this is handled much better for you than it was for us and that your child doesn’t bear any scars from it.
Karen
Thank you so very much Karen. We started this journey in the spring and I had high hopes that the results we got then would stick. I was dumbfounded when the whole thing was ignored this fall. I met with the teacher last week and she is new to our school this year. She knew nothing of what happened last year, which totally frustrates me. But she has promised her support and from what my daughter has told me she does not take any crap from the bully. The teacher herself told me that she is not afraid to discipline. I know that is not going to be enough, but I am happy she is so responsive. Emily and I are going to work on a plan to bring attention to bullying with a few projects. I am not sure what it will do, but I have to show her that she can be empowered by this. I pray it works. Thank you for sharing your journey Karen. The support of parents is so important and I really appreciate it. <3
Suz
It’s amazing the stories you hear about how much bullying takes place while the school looks the other way. Like you, I have taught my kids to be empathetic and forgiving but sometimes that means they get taken advantage of. I’m sorry your family is having to deal with this…
Jonnie
Thank you Jonnie. I hope to be writing the wins we hope to eventually have in this situation soon.
Suz
I really do feel for you. I have one son who went through his own kind of hell from bullying. I do not know how schools can condone what they do as far as stopping the bullying. I ended up removing my son from the school, which is sad because he was thriving there until the bullying started. I have taught all my kids to respect others regardless and I hold them to that always!
Thank you for sharing this with me Dawn. I hope we do not have to go the route of changing schools, but we will do what we have to keep her safe. Your kids have a great mama 🙂
Suz
Great post!!! As a fellow mama I applaud you for taking a stand and trying to make a difference. I find that the schools tend to turn a blind eye until something gets violent and they are then forced to deal with it. It’s sad because if they put more focus on this at the start the atmosphere would change drastically. I know personally I try to teach my daughter that this is unacceptable. She isn’t very big but has a big heart and voice and will without question stand behind anyone who looks sad or she thinks looks like they need someone to talk to or play with so that no one is left out. I think we need to raise our children to encourage others with positivity. We never know what is happening with children while they are at home behind closed doors which makes it all that much harder to determine if they are acting out for other reasons. I can only hope that the rest of your daughters time at school is pleasant and filled with happy memories instead of what she has been dealing with so far <3
Thank you so much Tiffanie, for your encouraging and supportive words. I was shocked to learn how little the school wants to do unless pushed and we should not have to push! It was a difficult way too learn this lesson, but they will not get the best of us! Thank you for the good wishes 🙂
Suz
thank you for sharing, my son too was bullied in grammar school for 1.5 yrs. Numerous calls to principal, social worker, nothing worked except one teacher. But during recess he was still getting bullied, a ball thrown at his face, being tripped and of course the verbal assaults. He was in 2nd grade and it lasted to 3rd. He went from a happy, smiling child to a child who never went out. He wasn’t a scrawny kid either, he was taller and heavier than the bully, which I kept telling my son to just sit on him, and it will stop. Well after teaching my son some boxing, it boost his confidence and he started talking back to the bully. One day at work, I get a phone call from the social worker, and she said my son took the bullys head and rammed it into the wall. I asked her why is it that she is calling me? My son was abused for almost 2 yrs and now she is concerned? At the end of the school yr, I joined the PTA, they were friends with bully’s mom. At one private meeting with PTA, I told them that the first day of school bully messes with my son, I will call the cops since no one is concerned. The boy was transferred to another school. So we know the pains and sufferings bullying and I am sorry your daughter had to go through this.
Thank you for sharing your story Karyn, I am sure it is painful. It is so sad that they don’t listen to the real problems until kids fight back. I am thankful for your support and wish you and your family much luck and love 🙂
Suz
As someone who was bullied, my heart breaks for your daughter, Suzanne 🙁 Yes, unfortunately, many bullies are girls. Mine were. Sometimes I think girls are worse. What bothers me is that, as I wrote in my post about bullying, even after the bullying stops, it never really goes away. To this day, my experience still affects me at times when I least expect it. The great thing here is that your daughter has a mom who is willing to get involved and help her daughter in any way she can. Trust me, that means more than you will know. Great post, Suzanne xo
Thank you Sandy, I appreciate your kind words <3 Any sort of bullying is bound to leave a mark. I have to think that your own experiences have made you stronger Sandy and obviously a kind and compassionate person 🙂
Thank you so much for this share, I appreciate it!
Suz