Valentine’s Day is such a special day for pretty much everyone. You don’t have to be married or dating someone to celebrate it because love knows no boundaries. We celebrate the love we have for our parents, our children, our families and friends. It’s just that simple.
Valentine’s Day in our home started off great with a sweet breakfast I made for the family, complete with small tokens of our love. William and Emily were thrilled and it made me happy to see them happy. The kids had painstakingly prepared their Valentine’s cards for their friends at school and were excited to share them. Emily had asked me to send in a treat of some kind along with her cards, but I decided not to. This decision was not because I am cheap. This decision was made because sending in a food item would most certainly exclude a student or two, perhaps more. But even excluding one student is unfair in my book. I am sure you know what I am referring to. Food Allergies.
This is William’s first year in school and thus it was his first time exchanging Valentine’s with a bunch of other kids. A note came home with the list of classmates names reminding the parents that there are two children in our kindergarten class with food allergies so could we please refrain from sending in edible treats. Suggestions were made to send in stickers, pencils, tattoos or even erasers, but not food. The photo below only shows the lollipops William brought home, but there were a few other items as well.
Forbidden treat…
Now I know this is going to sound ungrateful and that is truly not what I mean, but to be quite honest I wish William had not brought home one single thing, other then his Valentine cards. Instead he had nine suckers, three fruit chew packs, a Pop Tart, a granola bar and some Fun Dip. Out of the 15 items only two are safe for William to eat. Two. That’s it. Someone recently suggested to me that food allergy parents do not take enough responsibility to keep their children safe from their allergens while in school and that we should stop blaming the non food allergy parents for exposure to know allergens in school, even when there is a clear “no nuts, no this or that” policy in the school. You can imagine my response to that, but this story just proves my point. My diligence is no good if parents ignore the request to not bring in food for special days. This is exactly why I did not want to send in a treat of any kind.
However discovering the haul that William brought home was not the worst part of Valentine’s Day for my little dude. No, it was the discovery that he could not enjoy most of it. Thirteen of the fifteen items are not safe for him because William is allergic to peanuts, tree nuts and eggs. Of the nine suckers he received eight are from those mega packs sold at the holidays for the very purpose of giving them away. I have yet to come across a pack that is completely peanut, tree nut and egg free. What many people do not know is that most suckers are dipped in egg to give them that shine. Sounds gross, but it’s true. After dinner William asked to have one of his suckers even though I had already explained to him that he could not. The first time he was unhappy, but took it in stride. Probably because we had just given him some Valentine’s Smarties. The second time I had to tell him William melted down. He cried in my arms that it was not fair and he hated Valentine’s and his heart was broken. At that point mine was too.
Egg free, peanut free and tree nut free cupcakes
There was not much I could do to console him at first, but eventually he was happy to have the special cupcakes we made him. Just before bedtime he asked me why his friends would give him candy that he can’t eat. He seemed okay with the explanation that “they must have forgot, but look at the nice cards they gave you.” His heart mended, but I dare say mine has not.
Do you think I am being unreasonable in asking that no food items be brought to school for special holidays?
FT&PD
Suz
Hey cuz, you took my comments about not taking responsibility out of context. Whst I was referring to was that in the article you had posted before, the mother had said her child had a reaction based on another child (breathing on her I believe?) after having eaten a pb sandwich. Thatt is what I meant by stop blaming non allergen parents, that allowing a children to eat (pb or almond but) sandwich at home (something we have never been told not to do) and then having that little girls eyes swell from just the smell if his breath, is in my opinion laying blame on non allergen parents. I would think if your little one is that allergic to items that even a classmate having it before school puts them in danger, then other education options should be explored. Now we have two children n James class who are allergic to nuts and milk, abd believe me, while it’s time consuming somedays to pack a snack, I absolutely abide by the rules of this, because I would never want to bring harm to these little boys. Treats for special days are typically easier then everyday bc so much is labeled, but even on those days I find myself packing stickers etc bc of the milk allergy, which is much harder to work around. The parents who knew of the restrictions and still sent things in, should be spoken to by Williams teacher, and maybe that is something to suggest. But sadly William will likely always hate his allergies, it would be awful to have to be so mindful of what you put into your mouth.
Stef I do know that you are empathetic to the food allergy situation and if I took your comments out of context then I am sorry. The article that I shared where the little girls face was swollen was about not blaming the allergic child. It that case the reaction happened because a parent packed peanuts in her child’s lunch and those nuts were eaten at school. The reaction may have happened because the food allergic girl touched them or the desk they were sitting on or even the face or hand of the kid eating the nuts, but it does not say it was air borne. That is a worse case scenario for sure. The author is blaming the parent of the child eating the nuts because she sent the nuts to school even though there is a “No Nuts” policy in place. That parent completely ignored the schools request to not bring nuts. It is totally different to consume the allergen at home, in any form, but that did not happen in this article. The allergen was brought into the school and that is where the harm happened.
I have stated before and still stand by this and that is I don’t feel children should be eating peanut butter sandwiches for lunch, at home, when they are returning to the classroom that same day. The school bans the nuts because of the danger of the allergic child coming in contact with it and that can be by directly eating it, touching it, touching a surface that it was on and in extreme cases through the air. I know that many people, yourself included, think the best option is to home school, but as I explained that is not a decision that can be taken lightly. The problem is that no one knows how severe a reaction will be until it happens. One reaction could be an outbreak of hives, with the next one causing death. There is no way to know until it happens so we must treat all potential situations with the same extreme caution. I would keep William in a bubble for the rest of his life, but what good does that do him? I know he will need to come to terms with his allergies and each day he does do better.
I do agree that the school needs to be aware of this situation and that is the next step. A different comment was left here that said in their school the teacher would remove the offending candy and send it home, all of it, with the student and a note of explanation. I wish that had happened in this case, but it didn’t.
that’s a sad situation Suzanne, and I’m truly sorry that William was so hurt. It’s a tough call, but I have to wonder why in the world would the teacher who knows William has allergies even put this stuff in his care to take home? She should have given him something else and an explanation. Or she should have sent all those other things back home with the kids who took them in with a note, saying “Nothing Edibile,please”. When my Joshua was in grade one, he had to stay for lunch, and that child would eat NOTHING but a peanut butter sandwich. Do I starve the kid, have him removed from the classroom, or the child who had the allergen removed from the classroom where they were all eating. I was torn and upset at the same time. The one child who had the allergen, lived acrosss the street from the school and didn’t need to eat at school, but it was me who had to give Joshua something else to eat. It wasn’t easy and he was miserable and starving by the time he got home after school. Hard things in life that we all have to deal with, even at this little age, but we find other ways and get over it. Please don’t take offense to what I’m saying, because I certainly can understand your hurt and William being upset, poor thing. It should have started with the teacher.
Hi Cynthia, thanks for stopping in. I know that each situation is different and fortunately I also think that the schools have come a long way in how they deal with the food allergy outbreak in the past fifteen to twenty years. It is a shame that you and Josh had to make sacrifices due to that one child when it seems like there was an easier alternative for the food allergy child. I would have thought that parent would have jumped on the chance to have their child eat at home. I know I certainly would. Every day I worry about William eating at school because on more then one occasion other kids have offered him food. I think your school failed in that they didn’t look at the bigger picture.
At the beginning of the school year I let William’s teachers, the principal and the secretary know exactly how we wanted things to be dealt with and for the most part it has been going well. We have had some issues and with thirty odd kids in the class (thank you Ontario government) I appreciate the challenges they face. William’s teacher made sure that Emily knew about the treats William brought home on Valentine’s Day. I suppose she felt that taking them all away from him was not fair, but I am not sure. We definitely have work to do in this area sadly 🙁
At our school the parents were asked to send no food with the Valentine’s Day cards. However, many parents sent sweets anyway. The teachers had the students bringing treats strip the cards of the candies. The cards with pencils, erasers or tattoos remained.
I wish they had done this at our school to Jenna, it would have made things a whole lot easier for sure…
I think it’s a totally reasonable request. But there will always be one or two who will break the rule so I guess, the teachers should exercise more caution like the teachers in the school that Jenna Em mentioned.
I agree Veronica and I even expected a sucker or two to come home. I think the shear number through me off though. We will probably never have a perfect situation, but one or two items can be hidden away where as 15 stands out sadly 🙁
Hi Suzanne, I am so sorry about William’s first Valentine’s Day at school but, like all of the above have said the teacher needs to be spoken too in this case. The principal and the teacher should see your blog, maybe even a copy of it should go home to the parents. Glad to see the cupcakes helped.
Thanks Mom and yes I agree the school needs to be made aware of how this affected William. William is still enjoying his cupcakes today 🙂
My heart breaks to your son. Honestly, I think that world is not educated enough. I would have thought it would be safe to send a sucker in! I had no clue that they were dipped in eggs. My ignorance would have made you little boys sick and that makes me feel sad. I don’t think people truly understand the extent of a food allergy until they have one themselves.
That is very true Jenn and that is why I am an advocate for food allergy awareness. I share the articles and our personal stories in the hopes that more people become enlightened. Unfortunately the reactions I have been getting lately show me there is a lot more work to be done still…
I’m a food label reader, probably because I have food allergies myself. My last reaction was to homemade Chex Mix. Odd when one knows my allergies are fish and shellfish, but the person had used Worcestshire sauce with anchovies in it to make it. In addition, I have a friend with a daughter with juvenile diabetes. Imagine their nightmare with all those Valentine’s treats! Yet neither of us have ever called for a ban on food or treats being brought in. When Peyton was in a class with a child with nut allergies, the school allowed treats but they gave a list of “suggested” treats and a list of banned treats. All treats had to be store bought and the packaging with the list of ingredients had to be brought in. A nice note was sent home prior to each party reminding us of this. Then, the mom came to the class at the beginning of the party to see what was there. With all the items being nutfree, all the children were able to participate. I’m not sure this is an option for you but I think it was better than an outright ban.
Wow what a scary reaction that must have been Kimberly! We deal with diabetes in our family as well so I can understand your friends situation. It is heartbreaking for the children who can not participate in everything their classmates do. As for a list the funny thing is a list was sent home with the kindergarten classes at the beginning of the year. We still have ours attached to the fridge. It is more of a reminder for people who visit and I thought it would give me some peace of mind knowing William’s classmates had th same list. Guess I was wrong there 🙁 Labeling has caused issues in our school already so I think the only answer is an outright ban…
That is heartbreaking Suz, maybe try sharing this blog with his teachers and the other parents in the class so they can better understand. As a busy parent you can sometimes be oblivious. In the past I grabbed candy necklaces from Walmart knowing that Ryan had had them before. Without really looking at the label and not knowing about the egg coating I just grabbed them. I felt so bad when Mom told him he couldn’t have them. Walmart ones have the egg coating on them and I just assumed they would be ok as I had seen him eat them before and in my mind they were just candy. Sometimes parents are just bombarded with so much that they don’t pay attention to the little things and if your not personally experienced with food allergies it is so hard to really understand. Try not to take it too personally, and share his story with the class.
Thank you Farrah 🙂 I totally understand how things can get mixed up. Heck it has happened to us once or twice, although we always re-read labels at home. I can understand it for sure. I think because of the shear number of items that were sent to school for his classmates I was surprised. It would be easier to hide a couple of treats, but 15 was out of control 🙁 As for me taking it personally, that is a struggle. Not because I think that this was done to hurt William. No, it hurts me to see him hurt. Fortunately he gets over thinks a lot quicker that I do, LOL..
No, you aren’t being unreasonable. I bet it is so hard to see him go through that and harder that he is at an age where he doesn’t quite understand yet.
Not that it compares to your son’s allergies, but there is a kid in my son’s class this year who has peanut allergies so severe that he can’t even be in the same room as it. All of the parents have been informed not to even send any products with our own kids to eat that may contain traces of the stuff.
I was ok with this, but I heard other parents talking. One woman was so put out that her son’s snack choices were limited. I said something about it least it was only for 1 school year for her child to do without and that it was the other kid’s whole life that would be like this. She gave me a very dirty look. I don’t think I’ll be making any friends with that crowd.
Anyway… my point… who cares if you put another mom in a snit over this. It is your kid and it is his feelings that get hurt. He is going to have to go through this again and again and if you can lessen any of it for him, then good for you. If someone has a problem with that, you don’t need them.
Personally, I think the teacher should have stepped in… at least enough so that William didn’t see these things, let alone take them home.
Thank you for your support Renee, I appreciate it. I know I raised the ire of a few parents at our first meeting with the class in September with all my questions. I also wore a t-shirt emblazoned with the message “Warning: Mother of Food Allergy Child. Sit down, stop talking and take notes” While it seemed funny at the time, it got a lot of attention, even from a parent whose child is a lot older and has been at the school for several years. It made me feel good to be able to chat with her and hopefully help. We just have to keep the nay-sayers out of our head and press on. Thanks again Renee 🙂
My kids do not have food allergies. I still detest this junk food that is brought home, stuff I don’t want to let them eat. Complete cheap 100% sugar junk, and now it has sentiment attached to it and they are forlorn when I toss it. Drives me bats.
Very true Deanna and a good point..
I feel so terrible for him – and for you. I had no real personal dealings with food allergies until student teaching, and we had a child with gluten allergies. It broke my heart every time another kid brought in snacks or treats for the class, and he was excluded. It’s so unfair. I think parents need to be much more keenly aware that it’s not only the kids with allergies – many parents don’t want all that sugary junk food coming home with their kids. It hurts my heart that your little guy was so upset 🙁
Thanks for your support Anna, I appreciate it 🙂 It is true that a different approach needs to be made to all this junk coming into the schools and maybe if the food allergy angle is not doing it then the health aspect will. William is better today and the offending stuff is in the garbage. Fortunately he is happy with his allergen free cupcakes 🙂
NO U R DOING THE RIGHT THING BECAUSE WHAT IF UR SON HAD EATEN ONE OF THOSE CANDIES AT SCHOOL AND GOTTEN SICK PARENTS SHOULD REALLY READ NOTICES AND TEACHERS SHOULD MAKE SURE THAT PARENTS ARE AWARE
thanks for your support Valerie, I appreciate it. 🙂
No I dont think that is unreasonable. Many children have food allergies and that could be a dangerous situation.
Very true, thanks for stopping in!
In most instances the situation is poorly handled, with mandates given and little to no modifications offered. This is not only true for children but for adults as well. I’ve encountered individuals with various allergens requiring the cessation of scents and a host of other accommodations that people were forced to make. If people are honest it usually breeds awkward feelings.
In this situation it would have been better for the items to come in and the children were able to ‘go shopping’ for their treats or treat bags were put together ahead of time. It isn’t a matter of being unreasonable but the recognition that the majority who don’t suffer as your son does are making a sacrifice on his (and the other student’s) behalf. It’s touchy. Grace is needed by all.
#SITSBlogging
You are very true Sarah. These situations are almost never handled well and this leads to hard feelings and no resolutions for the next time. Personally I would like to see the ban on bringing in edible treats observed that way no one has to make a sacrifice. I think that most parents would agree that these treats are not needed in school at all. They almost always show up during a holiday or event like Valentine’s, Halloween, Christmas, even birthdays yet the children will, for the most part, get lots of treats at home later on. That would almost certainly resolve the issue of anyone making sacrifices..
You are definitely not being unreasonable. Parents are asked not to send in foods and yet they always do. I can’t even imagine how much anxiety I would suffer if one of my kids had an allergy! On a less serious note, I don’t like other people giving my kids tons of junk food either. Now that they are 9 and 11 I have enough trouble getting them to eat properly.
It is so true Joann! My ten year old has access to buy ice cream and popcorn at school, which drives me nuts (no pun intended). These little extras on special occasions are just more of a pain to deal with.. Thank you for stopping by Joann 🙂
Hi Suzanne: Glad you had the cup cakes for William. Poor little guy…..and Mama! I agree with the other women who commented 1) I wouldn’t want those cheap lolly pops coming home with my child. 2) the teacher should have taken more action. 3) what the heck is it with parents who complain about the additional costs that the schools are putting on them and then they go ahead and send food for all the kids during special days?? WTH? In 12 years of schooling I remember cookies coming to the classroom ONCE! I liked your reference to 30 children in the class and what did McGinty promise? 16 I think! Right! I hope Valentine’s Day is a distant memory to William by now!
You make a very good point Gemma. With all the extra costs parents and teachers face why spend money on junk?! My mom can correct me, but I do not recall taking treats in for everyone each time there was an occasion..
I have a big list of things that I cannot eat as well, and I’m an adult, but it doesn’t get any easier. 🙁 Naturally as I’ve grown and matured I’ve gotten better about handling it, but it’s still a bummer. Please tell your little guy that he has a friend in me that knows what he’s going through, hang in there buddy! 🙂
Thank you so much Bonnie, I appreciate that 🙂
I am going to have to disagree with you here – I think children should be allowed to celebrate special holidays and events with food – at school and elsewhere.
I am glad that the teacher made the effort to send a note home, and do wish more parents took notice to send something special for your son instead of food. But I don’t think it should be banned for everyone.
I agree Kate that food should not be banned everywhere. Unfortunately eating is a part of life and being social. School is a bit tricky though because while it is a social setting it also has a higher purpose, to learn. As long as the kids have their lunches and snacks why do special holidays need to focus on food? More over, when these kids are older, middle school and up even, they have no choice but to take care of themselves and their allergies, but they are also old enough to do that and understand why they can’t have what their friends are having. At age four it is a much harder concept to understand.
I do not expect the parents who send in something to send in something special for my son. To be honest unless it was in the original package I probably wouldn’t trust it. Leave the candy at home and share a sticker instead. Then no one needs to worry..
that is really sad 🙁 we only send in cards. However, for special occasions (halloween, christmas and easter) I will make a cake and take it in to the class (the teacher is always asked in advance, told what products I will be using, and speaks to the parents of students with allergies. They either ok it, or send in a “safe” edible treat for their child to enjoy).
Sometimes I think it comes down to knowledge – if they haven’t ever dealt with an allergy, then they may not realize how severe it is. I think the best thing to do in this case would be talk to the teacher and ask that in the future, if she/he can please make sure that none of the treats get to your son. Also, maybe setting up a time to come in and talk to the class about what can happen if he eats something he is allergic to.
Communication and awareness are so key in the fight against food allergies Ashley, that is very true. I am curious how old your kiddos are? I ask because I think the older children would better understand and accept that they can’t share in the special class treat. By a certain age you come to expect to be left out of these celebrations, sadly. But in kindergarten, age four, all you can see is that this fantastic treat ( in this case 15 treats) has been given to you and everyone else and you are the only one who can’t have a bit of it. How on earth is a four year old supposed to accept that?
As for talking to the class, I am way ahead of you. I have been championing this cause for a year now, even though my son only started in September. Anaphylaxis Canada has visited the school and made special presentations to the classes with food allergy kiddos in them. I have also arranged to have a special children’s performer attend the school this spring to do a presentation/show on food allergies. I would have liked him to be there sooner, but spring was the best we could do.
After reading this article my heart breaks for your son and I know it’s not fair when our children can’t have or do things. But it’s unfair to ask the entire class to cater to it too. My son cannot do gym the way all the other kids in his class can, he can’t run right, but I don’t expect the teacher to just stop doing it for him.
My son is allergic to oranges and in kindergarten milk. I had to teach him not them what he could have and couldn’t. Milk is in everything! But I made sure when days like this came around no candy or stuff was given to him, I made him cupcakes like you did your son and brought them to school, made treats he could eat, so he didn’t feel left out. It sucks the entire things.
I get it all, the peanut free, nut free, allergen kids it all sucks! It’s a catch 22 though. I guess I’m old school because when I went to school there were no restrictions. However that being said, after Halloween, Christmas and what not. For Valentines there should be cards and pencils, erasers, things kids need. That’s it!
This year my son’s teacher made a fruit salad for the entire class. My son could not have any because she added oranges to it. So instead I made him his own fruit salad minus the oranges, so he got to have his very own!
I hope William has a better Valentines next year, but you are a great mommy for making him special cupcakes. It’s hard when our kids don’t understand why something is and they cry in our arms. As a parent that is heart-breaking! 🙂
Thank you Jodi. I think for me it boils down to my son’s safety versus the other kid’s getting to enjoy their sugary treats for this one day. I agree that if one child can not partake in a class, like gym, then it is not a good solution to cancel gym. However, if there was an alternative that would allow your son to partake with the rest of his class, would that not be a better solution? Then everyone wins. I am not asking them to not bring in treats, just do not make it food related.
I am actually surprised that your teacher would put in oranges! A fruit salad can have so many different things that oranges would not be missed so why not just leave them out so your son could enjoy it to, without having to make exceptions? This would have been a perfect opportunity for the teacher to show the class that food allergies do not always have to be restrictive, but instead your child had to be singled out.
We have taught William from day one about his allergies, what he can and can not eat, and he has always been great about it. He will ask if a treat has eggs, peanuts and tree nuts it in and if it does he is almost always very nonchalant about it, but once in a while it bothers him. I guess it will get better with age, but four is so young to understand all this when you see your friends noshing on something great while you watch 🙁 I don’t expect him to be catered to at the expense of everyone else all the time, but once in awhile it couldn’t hurt…
I do not think that you are being unreasonable at all! However, you cannot control what other people do. It is up to the principal and the teacher to enforce their own policy, but apparently they do not. This is his first year in school and you have a long way to go. Maybe you could explain to him that not all moms and dads understand about allergies and then provide some alternative treats for him to trade in for at home. I know that the best situation would be if the treats didn’t arrive at school at all, but sadly they do. My kids don’t have allergies, but I have held birthday parties that were completely nut-free so that my kids’ friends could attend and have everything on the menu without feeling excluded or left out. But not all parents take the time or know how to do this. At our school, we had an allergy committee made up of parents and we had a whole protocol for kids with allergies, and the ‘no nuts policy’ was enforced and taken very seriously. Every event at the school was a ‘no nuts event’. One of my son’s best friends has allergies to nuts, tree nuts, dairy and eggs. So his mom just always made sure that he had treats available for times like this and just explained that not all moms and dads know/understand about allergies. In fact, she has 2 boys with the same allergies and they are the kids that I made sure had a full birthday party menu that they could eat. They are in Grades 8 and 11 now, and they have grown up happy and healthy realizing that they have lots of food choices available to them and they just take it all in stride now.
Thank you for this support Angie, I appreciate it. We do always send extra treats for William, but I like your suggestion to have a trade in treat at home for these situations. I also think it is great that your school has an allergy team. What a fantastic idea! I have been working very hard to get some things changed at our school and bring in some presenters for the kids. I have donated books and music that talk about food allergies, but a committee would certainly help to keep the awareness up. Thank you for the support you provide to the food allergy community at large. It is appreciated 🙂
My heart breaks for your son. The teacher in charge should have caution parents before Valentines Day re: treats to bring. Anyway, I admire you on how you handle the situation 🙂
Thank you Joy, I appreciate that..
i think at school when they have parties or exchange of items, they should send a notice home to parents, its sad that your little one has food alergies and can’t always enjoy everything as other little children do, anyone with a child who has food allergies should make it a note to other parents or teacher’s about this, just maybe he would have gotten something special 😉 thanks for sharing your story, @tisonlyme143
Thank you Dorothy, it is truly a tough thing to deal with sadly 🙁