Just a couple of weeks ago Doug and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary. It has been an interesting 15 years. Definitely a roller coaster at times, not knowing what the next dip or hill will bring. At others its been like a nice, soothing float on the swan boat, all calm and tranquil. Ya, those mostly came before the kids did. Still others have been more like the teacups, swirling faster and faster, a little bit out of control. And what trip to an amusement park would be complete without a ride in some dark, cave-like maze, with very little to guide you other then your senses? We have jumped on a few of those to. But, we survived.
Today I had a conversation with this young lady who is a newlywed. She was all happy and giggly about “her man” and how great life was. I had to pause for a moment and recall if I had ever acted that way. The answer? Yes, I know I did, 15 or so years ago. But life changes and it changes us. We are not the people we were at age 18, 25, 30 and so on. New responsibilities add lines to our brow and growing bills add a bend to our shoulders. But we move on. The young lady I talked to asked me “how do you make it to 15 years? It seems so long.” She is not wrong, it is long. It was hard to answer her question without sounding cliche, but truthfully the answer is one you hear time and time again and can apply it to pretty much anything in life. It takes work. It takes commitment, trust, honesty, integrity, humour, empathy and kindness. It takes compromise and doesn’t keep score. It means allowing your mate to be weak when they need to be and letting them know, without a word, that you will always be there to hold them up. It means being the strong one even when you want to cry. It means having one another’s back, standing up for each other and being true.
It also means that mistakes will be made along the way. Some big and some small. Does that mean we give up and throw in the towel? My friend asked, “But what if some mistakes are too big to forgive?” That was a tough one to answer. As a young woman my friends and I would often say, “If a guy ever did…. to me, I would kick him to the curb.” But when you have invested a lifetime in a marriage or relationship, it doesn’t seem that easy to throw it all away. Some things are much easier to move past then others. I am not naive enough to think that love conquers all, but it certainly can move mountains. I think it all depends on what is on the other side. Is it worth it to you to fight over the rocky terrain to get back to what is on the other side or would you rather take off your hiking boots and turn back?
I know I kind of threw her for a loop with that kind of talk, but I couldn’t stress it enough that marriage, a lifetime commitment to someone, is not a walk in the park like it seems right now. I told her I didn’t want to burst her bubble because being with the love of your life is beautiful and wonderful, but never underestimate the power of indifference. Or boredom. Or even frustration. Complacency is easy to give in to when you think you have done enough. But like anything worth having, keeping safe and treasuring, being complacent is not an option.
I then said to this young gal, who looked kind of shell shocked, that I knew of far too many casualties that had come about over the last seven or eight years. Marriages ending in divorce. Or marriages not ending, but existing in a world of anger and hurt. Children moved from the homes they grew up in only to be tossed between parents like a tennis ball. Even friendships broken apart over actions that could not be erased. I told her that it made me so very sad to think of all the promise that was in these relationships in the beginning, but like a shy child who is always picked last, these relationships were never given a fighting chance.
So, my message for her, this young newlywed, was first, to enjoy this wonderful time in her life, in her marriage. Giggle and hold hands when you can and just lap it up. Make memories to sustain you when you need them the most, because there will come a time when you will need them. Second, do not give up, at least not until you can look yourself in the eye and say, “I have done my best.” If you work hard at most things in life you will be rewarded. Maybe not exactly in the way you think is appropriate, but rewards come in all shapes and sizes. You will need to learn how to swallow your pride sometimes, but it will be worth it. And finally I told her that marriage is like upgrading your skills at work. You need to take a course every now and then to stay fresh, maybe get some new ideas or perspective. Education never hurt anyone.
I am sure my friend walked away wishing she had not come by to chat, LOL, but I am glad she did. It helped to remind me that even after 15 years there is always room for improvement, on both sides of the bed.
Here is to another 15 years Doug and many more..xoxoxoxo
FT&PD
Suz
You’re completely right Suz, marriage is hard work. You’ve got to learn how to get through the tough times together, in a way that means you’ll still be laughing together during the good times.
I’ve seen so many marriages fall apart in the past year and it’s so sad for each family involved. But I’ve also seen several lovely couples make the commitment of marriage in the past couple of years, and their enthusiasm and love for each other is infectious!
We’ve made it to 12 years of marriage this year and I really hope that in 12 year’s time I’ll be able to say that we’re still going strong.
Congratulations to you and Doug for your 15th wedding anniversary and congratulations to all the newly weds out there too!
Sam xx
Sam thank you for your good wishes, we appreciate them ♥ And the same goes back to you guys. Wow, 12 years is a major accomplishment for sure. I can tell by the things you write about your family that you have a special bond ♥
Suz
Wow, happy anniversary, first of all! And 2, wow, what a great post. It’s funny, Next month we’ll be on 12 years (about 16 in total), and my thoughts to younger women, is to just not rush it. Parents always want us to get married sooner than we really need to because once you are married, I mean really, you still have 55-60 years to live! Assuming you keep yourself healthy, and we will…After the wedding, things just chill out and the years go by. My hubby and I do something interesting each year, we have an Anniversary journal, and we write our thoughts at the time. When I look at it, it’s all lovey-dovey and so cute at the beginning and then it morphs into we need to take more time, etc, etc, filled with worry and regret. Not sure what I’ll write next month, but it’s really interesting to see how things change year after year…..take care and enjoy that anniversary!!!
Congrats on making it to the 12 year mark Robin, that is wonderful and is certainly an important accomplishment. They say if you can make it past seven years you are sailing, but you can never be complacent, be it seven or seventy years ( okay that may be stretching it a bit, but..) I really like the idea you have of keeping an anniversary journal. I wish we had done something like that. I am the writer, not Doug, but it would be a great way to look back and see how far you have come. I think you are on to something there. That would make a nice addition to a wedding gift to a young couple, ya know?! It reminds me of a book/journal that I gave to me father on his 70th birthday earlier this year. It was called “The Book of Me” and had tons of questions to prompt you to write about yourself. I thought after I gave it to him that this is something people should start to fill out when they are younger. I think I am going to make it the gift to get this Christmas, LOL.
Thanks for stopping by Robin, I appreciate it!
Suz
Wow! What wisdom and insight you showed in this blog, Suzanne! All of your words of advice are ‘right on’, however, as one who has kept the vows these almost 36 years, can I add two little tips that I think ‘saved us’? A sense of humor……and sometimes a BIG sense of humor! LOL Plus, we have from time to time reminded each other that there are three in this marriage and maybe we should consult HIM for help along the way…..and we did and do! You know that you have our best wishes for many many more years of marital happiness with Doug! xoxo
Thank you Gemma and you are definitely right on both counts. Humour is the glue that keeps you from going insane! I agree that one’s faith is of the utmost importance and it would be ideal if partners had the same views. It has certainly worked for you two 🙂 xoxox
Suz
Happy Belated Anniversary. You give great advice 🙂
Thanks very much Heather 🙂
Suz
Congrats on 15 years! What a great post. Love the wisdom and experience you share on your blog 🙂 Marriage isn’t easy. We’ve been together 8 years and have had our shares of ups and downs. We’re still together though, as a team! In the past year, 3 couples we are friends with have split up. Only 1 of those couples didn’t have young kids. Hard all around…on everyone.
Thank you Christine :-0 The number of break-ups has been astonishing for me! It is very sad, but I hope that more people are entering into marriage with open eyes and a willingness to work.
suz
Congratulations on your 15 year marriage anniversary. Not many people can say they have made it that long. And what a beautiful post. You truly have a way with words. Your friend is lucky to have such a wise person to guide them.
Thank you so much Brandy!
Suz
Happy Anniversary! Such a wonderful milestone for you and your husband. And, you are right, marriage is hard. And takes A LOT of work. More work than I thought for sure. I think this advice is important for newlyweds to hear although I doubt they will realize it till they are in one of the tough times.
Thank you Kerrie 🙂
Suz